Wish You Were Here
by Lemony Sickness
Summary: Heero might act like stone, but he is quite complex. 1x2, eventual 1x5 though maybe, haven't decided . This story contains yaoi, you have been warned!
1. Irony of a Ceiling Fan

**Warnings**: Extreme angst, some humor. 1x2 Eventual 1x5, I'm not quite sure, I haven't finished the story, but I've got it all laid out in my head and that is where it is heading. Yaoi!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of the characters, but I do own this plot.

**Side note**: \/ Lyrics "" Phrases said by ??? (#) Explanation at bottom x# How many times it is repeated in the real song.

**Wish You Were Here**

By: Lemony Sickness

The Irony of a Ceiling Fan

Lyrics by: Incubus - Wish You Were Here (Morning View)

I wake up on the floor, the white rug beneath me no comfort. How I ended up in this precarious position, I don't remember clearly, all I know is that I don't want to(1). The ceiling fan's bulb, incased in a unique globe of crystalline glass, casts rays of light upon the hardware floor that seemingly borders the rug; glares causing shapes to appear on the dark gray walls. The four paddles with their intricate designs revolve round and round, staying in sync; unlike my heart, which beat rapidly, the fan didn't feel pain… It didn't feel the pain of the immensity as I was.

At that moment I hated that fan, as funny as I may sound, I did. Others only see a ceiling fan as an object of decoration, and would say I was "off my rocker" for feeling the way I do, but I can't help myself, it was like this particular fan mocked humanity. I glare at the thing with all the intensity of a charging bull, but it simply ignores my Persian blues and continues to rotate… Just rotate. Life could die around it, and it would just go on rotating, only stopping if blown up, broken, or turned off, never feeling the pain of dieing.

Tired of glaring at the fan, I slowly get up off the floor using my bed beside me for leverage as a dizzy spell consumes my vision for a few seconds. I take a glimpse of myself in a large mirror connecting to a dresser directly across from me and realize my jeans are sagging slightly; allowing the elastic band of my white cotton boxers to peek out. Not seeing a belt, and not caring to pull on a shirt, I walk across my bedroom and open my door. I stall as I place my hand over the light switch and glance back at the offending fan. I close my eye and shake my head, my bangs brushing against the bridge of my nose, and I flip the switch downwards and continue to watch the fan till it comes to a slow standstill. Then I laugh. Not the laughter of happiness… No, it was a sound full of irony. I was laughing at the irony of it all… I was laughing at the imperfect soldier that was me.

**\I dig my toes into the sand…**

**The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds**

**strewn across a blue blanket/**

As I walk out of my house beside the beach, I slip my leather brown sandals on to my naturally tan feet and walk across my small cozy deck and down the wooden stairs, a resounding clunk following my every move across the panels. The sun is setting, casting an eerie picture of itself upon the rippling water; seemingly mirroring itself in watercolors (2). I squint and hold my hand over my eyes, to act as a shade, as the sun glares at me, a soft breeze ruffling my hair.

I finally came to the spot, our spot, which I have grown fond of over the few times we spent here during one of our many missions. And out of those many missions, that one stood out in my mind the most. It was the main reason I chose to live here after the war. I toe off my sandals and place them side-by-side next to the huge rock with the slightly flat and slanted surface that you, for some odd reason, named Mortemore (3). I pat the rock, "acknowledging its existence", as you used to do. I shove my toes into the sand relishing in the cool feeling it brings to my toes and the bottoms of my now bare feet. I sigh and climb up the side of Mortemore, placing my feet in the familiar nicks and crannies to shove myself upwards. Finally situated on the so-called flat surface, I lean back on my hands and tilt my head slightly as I gaze at the sun, which was trying to hide behind the ocean. I frown as I remember the time we… My friends and I, tried sending our Gundams, "our buddies" to this same ball of fire to destroy them, but in the end, we just ended up blowing them up. I close my eyes and see the reds, yellows, and oranges that try to penetrate the skin that hides my gaze. And when I open them a few minutes later to see that everything around me is tinge with a green iridescent glow.

The last of the suns rays disappear behind the depths of the ocean leaving only the bon fires surrounded by laughter, and the distant shine from windows to keep the beach alight. I continue to gaze at the place the sun used to be, longing for its warmth, for your cheeriness that warmed me is no longer on this earth anymore. I shift my eyes upward to look at the sky, once tinged with the fiery colors of sunset, and I see the thousands of twinkling stars spread across the bluish black sky. Some seemed to wink playfully at me, just like you used to do.

**\I lean against the wind,**

**pretend that I am weightless/**

The breeze is soothing to my warmed skin that the sun's heat only kissed moments ago. My hair is disheveled as the wind blows through it, all the while caressing my skin and soothing me. You used to ruffle my already untamable hair because you knew it annoyed me, unnoticed to you, I actually enjoyed your teasing, your attention. The rock's cool surface awakens me from my thoughts as I shift; little indentions are left on my hands from the bumps and tiny minuscule pebbles that had lain beneath them. My hands were callused from the war, for I was a highly trained killing machine, trained to be perfect. "Perfect soldier" I was referred to, but that was perhaps the understatement of the year. I gave the impression of perfection on the outside, but on the inside I was scared and lonely; not letting my emotions show, for that is what I was taught to do, only to act on them. But oh, my emotions were there, hidden securely underneath my so called "shell" or "mask", only seen in my eyes, which only glared, making people avoid them. But my shell wasn't as secure as I thought it was, because you somehow managed to crack and chip it.

Beginning to feel uncomfortable in my position atop of the old rock, I slid off. I feel like I am flying as I descend to the sandy ground, and land with ease. I guess all these times of jumping from high places have helped. You used to nag me about doing that, and I would smirk when you would remember the time I set my own leg and cringe.

**\And in this moment I am happy…**

**Happy./**

Remembering you, and all the good times we spent together; your cheeriness and happy-go-lucky self brings a slight smile upon my face. It's small, but it's there.

**\I wish you were here./ x4**

My smile falters as my memories of you become paler, and I look up at the sky and imagine your face looking down at me, as if you were your own constellation. "The heavens" seems to get farther away and I realize my legs have gone weak, so I spread my arms like a bird as I fall on my back with a thud.

**\I lay my head onto the sand…**

**The sky resembles a back-lit canopy**

**With holes punched in it. /**

Sand interlaces with the strands of my silky dark brown hair as my head rests on the beach's facade. The sky resembles the acute description of what you said you wanted the ceiling of your room to look like – black with "those star thingies that stick to the ceiling and glow!" I laughed at your exclamation and eagerness, but stopped quickly when you stared with your Cobalt orbs wide and a tiny smile gracing your pink lips.

I look like a sacrifice as I lay here, arms out, and palms up, so I bring my arms to myself and place them under me as I lean on my elbows for support and hook my thumbs through the belt-loops of my jeans.

**\I'm counting UFO's,**

**I signal then with my lighter/**

When we used to sit in this spot together, I would just stare at the sun, water, and sky… Like I am doing now. I would listen to you ramble on about nothing in particular, though you thought I wasn't paying attention – You just continued to talk, as if to pass time, and to hear your own voice. But I did pay attention, more than you know.

You liked asking me questions, I guess, just to get me to respond. I commit to memory the time, out of nowhere, you ask me, "Do you believe in aliens?" My blank look didn't help, it only caused you to chuckle and push forth. "UFO's Heero!" At that you jumped up, grabbed your black lighter from your khaki pants pocket, and with a flick of your thumb, had a little flame produced from the opening. You twirled around and waved at the sky as if to greet the unknown. You didn't go as fast as to kill the flame, but you did exactly that, right down to detail. You received plenty of weird looks that night with your antics, but you were a free spirit, nothing stopped you from having fun.

**\and in this moment I am happy…**

**Happy./**

I can still see you there spinning and laughing as your image, seemingly sketched into eternity with dotted lines, as you fade into wisps of sand, and yet again, I smile; a broader smile than the first, but not quite reaching my eyes.

**\I wish you were here./ x4**

Now, more than ever, I feel lonely, and I realize… I miss you more than ever.

**\The world's a roller coaster**

**and I am not strapped in**

**maybe I should hold with care**

**but my hands are busy in the air./**

My life has had many ups and downs, more downs than a guy my age should have, but your presence helped… You gave me my ups. I should have told you I cared, and how much you meant to me, but the trained soldier in me wouldn't step aside – And now…

**\I wish you were here/**

Owari

To continue, or not to continue? Now that you have read, you should review… Please!

Thank you for reading this; it took me many hours of mulling over things, and writing and retyping this over and over again to make it postable. And I still don't think it is good enough! This was saved on my computer under the title of 'The Irony of a Ceiling Fan' and even had that as the title when I first posted it, but I didn't think it would catch as many viewers attention, so I changed it. Oh yeah, before I forget!

(1). Think what you want. I didn't really get my point across as intended, but I didn't want to go into detail in that area for I might have lost track of the area I wanted this fic to go to; if that made any sense. I was hoping that most of you level minded people would get the point that he was drunk.

(2). Heh. Go figure.

(3). Pronounced Mort-eh-mer


	2. Morning Annoyances

**A/N**: Here's another chapter peoples! It took me a few days and hours, but I finished, so read and review!

**Warnings**: 1+???. Shounen ai, hint to 3x4. Mild language.

**Disclaimer**: I am money-less, so you can't use me, besides, I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters.

**Thanks to**: Everyone who commented.

Side Notes: \/ Lyrics, (#) Explanation at bottom, sound, blahblahblah Flashback

**Morning Annoyances** …Wish You Were Here, continued…

By: Lemony Sickness

Lyrics by: Incubus, 11:00am (Morning View)

**\Seven am;**

**the garbage truck beaps as it backs up**

**and I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away./**

BeepBeepBeepBeep

Eyelids flutter open and my Persian orbs squint as the obtrusive light from the sun shines threw my window's blinds. I roll onto my side and push my face into one of my pillows muttering something about the insanity of it all, just like you used to do when I would wake you up in the mornings for an early mission.

The incessant beeping noise was becoming annoying. Not remembering turning on my alarm clock, I groan. Rolling back over, I prop myself up on my elbow and grip the side of my bed as I use my other hand to push aside the blinds and look for the object of my frustrations.

'A damn garbage truck,' I think as the blinds fall back into place and sway for a while when I remove my hand. Not liking the prospect of being woken up by a truck that collects my disposals, I curse under my breath as my head flops restlessly onto my pillow.

The garbage truck brings to mind everything I have let rot and die; just shoving it out-of-the-way, as if it were of no importance. I have my regrets you know… I let you get away… Okay, that's a bit far-fetched; I more or less pushed you away like so many others. I grew up and was taught that way, so I became just a tool, an object of destruction that destroyed and wanted to be destroyed.

**\Could I push rewind?/**

I don't want to go back, for the past is the past. I am glad that the war is over, but I miss you, and everything about you, your essence. You made me feel important, needed, and wanted. There were plenty of people significant in my life: You, and the others, and Relena - Especially Relena. She was my idol, my idealistic sister. She loved me for what she new was in the inside. She, like you, saw past my facade, and treated me as an equal human, not an unfeeling machine. She fought for what I so desperately fought for, and provided me with something I never though I'd gain… Friendship and peace. And for that, I return her love.

**\The credits traverse, signifying the end**

**but I missed the best part/**

Am I normal now? I have no friends, no family exception of Relena, who is constantly in touch with me. Quatre used to keep in touch, but days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and I have heard no notification of how he and Trowa were doing since. But you… I remember so vividly, but hear nothing from you.

Have you changed? Do you still look the same? Act the same? I ask myself these constantly, the most important question though is, "Are you happy?"

**\Could we go back to start?/**

I hear from Wufei you're in town, and you're joining the Preventors. I smile at knowing you are so near, but frown at the prospect of contacting you. Will you hate me? Do you remember me?! If I could go back, I would never have left as soon as I did, I would have kept in touch…

**\Forgive my indecision/**

Forgive me for not making up my mind sooner.

**\Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side.**

**But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride./**

You were an excellent soldier, though I claimed you were a liability. And you were, but for different reasons that weren't so plain to you. You were a liability to me and I hated you for the effect you had on me.

Have you ever heard the saying, 'the more you want what you can't have, the more you grow to despise it(1)'? Well that's how I am beginning to feel… You would state, "Everything I get close to dies", and you know what, I wish I was dead(2). I also wish I'd stop loving you.

**\Eleven am.**

**By now you would think that I would be up**

**But my bed sheets shade the heat of choices I've made.**

**And what did I find?/**

'I would usually be out of bed by know,' I think as I survey my room, and realize that the beeping of the garbage truck has grown faint and slowly progresses to silent. A short breath of laughter escapes and tumbles over my lips as I take in the fact that I am being paranoid, for I don't want to leave the safety of my bed. Leaving my bed will only bring to memory the inept decisions I've made.

Quatre sent me an invitation to attend a reunion, which conveniently, was located on Earth, in my town. I guess it was his way of saying I had to go, or else. The reunion is to last a weekend, but I refuse to get up. I don't want to pack… I don't want to see him, not this soon. But I force myself to face reality, and regretfully pull myself from my warm nest. I shuffle over to my closet, open the door, and pull my dark green duffel bag from the top, and only shelf. As I unzip it, I remember how I use to use this on my missions with you, and you would complain about its grunginess. I casually flip it open, and unveil the inside. It is completely empty, except for one thing…

There's a picture of you, smiling your award-winning grin, with your arm casually flung around my shoulders. I turn it over, and sigh as I see your handwriting; so neat, yet so untidy, scrawled on the back:

Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell,

Best buddies…

FOREVER!

**\I never thought I could want someone so much**

'**cause now you're not here and I'm knee deep in that old fear/**

I continue to look at the picture longingly; as if it were my lifeline I had long lost. I was dead inside - hollow and coarse. I've wanted very little in my life, but what I did want, was typically impossible. I earned the peace with plenty of help, but to have a family and you… Nearly unfeasible, if not probable at all.

I used to be afraid of losing you, of losing everything I've fought for. I'd have nightmares about all of my childhood tortures, my so-called training. I would have dreams of who I considered to be friends, die and I would dream the same old dream over and over again… It haunted me.

"_Are you lost?"_

"_I've been lost since the day I was born."_

I bear in mind that little girl every single day, and will for as long as I am alive. She's an emblem of peace, of hope, as is Relena. Relena reminds me so much of that little girl. Both innocent and untainted by blood; both thanks to me…(3)

I turn my gaze upon the vase full of my favorite flowers, perched atop my nightstand beside my bed, and in front of the window -- Daisies, so pure and simple. Their little soft yellow pedals attached to brown stems leading into a blue Japanese style vase with complex white designs. Sort-of my way to remember the child, because it reminds me of my sins, for ending the precious life of that small girl is one part of my insignificant being that I can never forgive myself for… Never.

**\Forgive my indecision… I am only a man.**

**Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side.**

**But, then again, a day will come when I want off that ride./**

"_Life is cheap, and so is mine."_

_A resounding smack is heard upon skin as a voice responds_

_harshly, "Don't ever, ever, let me hear you say that_

_again."_

You were so pissed when I said that. Anger flared in your Cobalt orbs, and you clenched your fists as if the smack hadn't been enough. You thought that your reaction didn't faze me, but it did… It hurt, more than you know. But at that moment I was hit by more than your bare palm, I was hit with the factual realization that you cared. But just how much?

**\Twelve pm and my dusty telephone rings.**

**Heavy head upon my pillow, who could it be?/**

Lost in thoughts, I slowly crawl along my bed, and lay my head upon my favorite pillow, a headache coming on. Suddenly I was startled out of my thoughts when my blue, see-through, cordless phone rings. Hardly anyone ever calls me… I wonder who it could be as I reach over and pick it up and bring it hesitantly, but hopefully to my ear…

**\I hope it's you./**

"…Hello…"

!Owari!

TBC???

Welp, there ya go, just don't forget to review, 'cause I need to know what you think and if I should write another chapter…

1. It is a phrase I have heard, but I am quite sure it is said differently, so if you know how it really goes, I'd like to know, just in case I want to use it in the future!

2. That was meant in a good way! It means that he wishes that he could have been close to him… That sounds really weird…

3. In other words, he protected Relena, and he killed the little girl. That's to just put it bluntly… frowns


	3. Train of Thought

**A/N**: Okie dokie! Here's the other chapter, is has been finished for a long time, but due to difficulties and my computer's hatred of me, it took me a while to type it and post.

**Warnings**: 1+2 for now. Shounen ai.

**Declaimer**: I am money-less, so you can't sue me, besides, I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters.

**Side Notes**: \/ Lyrics, (#) Explanation at bottom, sound, _Flashback_

**Extra Side Note**: I couldn't find any other songs by Incubus that would go with where I want this story to head, so sorry, I just hope you like Hoobastank too!

**Train of Thought** …Wish You Were Here, continued…

By: Lemony Sickness

Lyrics by: Hoobastank, Up and Gone (HOOBASTANK)

**\Staring at the white above.**

**Can't tell if I'm alive or am I dead.**

**or is it in my head./**

The sky moves flawlessly above me. I feel weird and desolate as I sit in my usual spot upon Mortemer. I just got off the phone with the last person I ever expected to call: Une. I knew she could tell I was confused by my startled tone, but like usual, she didn't waste time and pressed bluntly forward.

_"The war may be over Heero, but there are still those who find being rebellious humorous," Une stated plainly, a hint of anger edging her normal business tone._

_"Hn"_

_"It's needless to say, but... I need you. You and every other able soldier to help stamp out these rekindling flames of war."_

_"When do you need me?"_

_"Ah. I am happy with your compliance, your help is appreciated. I will send the needed information through another resource."_

_"How many are..."_

_Une cut him off, "You are the first I have contacted prier to this mission. Well, good day."_

It ended as quickly as it began, leaving me in a confused state of mind. Agreeing to partake in the job had it's pro's and con's: I would be fighting for a cause, making me feel needed again, and I would have a plausible excuse for missing Quatre's get-together. But do I want to be the cause of more innocent civilians deaths? ...Hopefully it won't come to that.

Now I sit here wondering if my decision was biased, while the wind blows against my skin bringing laughter wafting to my ears. When you and I used to sit here and look at the clear sky we would try deciphering the shapes of the white cottony looking clouds above us. During these moments I would wonder if I was dead or alive, but I would never question that aloud, afraid of your laughter of how dense I would have sounded. I glance at the spot where you would sit beside me and see nothing, and sigh.

**\Staring at the white above one day**

**I closed by eyes and here I am**

**a cold unhappy man/**

I lose my thoughts focus as a beach ball flies into my view; it was coming straight at me and on reflex I caught the ball and sat up and glanced around for the owners. Two anxious looking kids approached cautiously and laughed sheepishly, asking if they could have their ball back. Tossing the colorful ball down to them, I watched them wave and smile their thanks before romping off towards their awaiting friends.

I lean back on my elbows again and close my eyes sharply when the sun peeks out from around a cloud and shines its brilliant light at me. I can tell the sun has decided to go into hiding again, but I keep my eye's shut anyway. Those kids brought other thoughts to my mind I didn't want to broach.

Where I was, I had no family, no friends, no pets, and no children. What is it like to be truly happy?

**\I've come to realize the life I have I hate.**

**The plus I need is slowly fading**

**until I've lost it all./**

To be happy is something else, but for now I'm content. I'm content to hate my life in peace. Besides, I'm only 21; I have the rest of my goddamned life to start a family... Right?

I've come so close to death so many times. Skirting the edges of losing my soul, but always managing to make a "full recovery". Full recovery my ass, for I've got scars that would give children nightmares... They give me nightmares. I can easily say I'm immune to death, because to die is just simply an end to my biggest and longest mission. But to die would also mean I failed that mission, which would be "not acceptable" on my part. So I've got nothing to lose, but nothing to gain.

**\I've been waiting for an inspiration,**

**for a chance I never got to take,**

**before it's much to late./**

I've been waiting for someone or something to come and change my life. I've been hoping that it would be you, but to no avail, for you're not here, and I'm still uninspired. I've been rejected my whole life, but to have you do it, would shatter my dreams.

**\Where did I go wrong?/**

Tell me please, how did we grow so far apart?

**\Where's the boy that used to run?**

**Could it be he's up and gone away?**

**He seems so far away.**

**And all the things I could have done**

**could it be they've up and gone away?**

**They seem so far away./**

They say a wandering mind only makes things worse. Maybe it does, but it's all I've got to pass the time.

What would I be like if I hadn't been a soldier? Would I be like the kids over there, with friends, family, laughter, and love? Or would I have been like you, a war orphan left to fend for myself. Or would I have grown up to be a doctor or a teacher, earning my pay by other means than killing and causing explosions. But the kid inside me has gone, never to return; beyond reach.

**\It feels as if the boy in me has left**

**and been replaced with a cheap and bitter imposter of myself./**

Relena seems to think that the old me can be coached out. Maybe. Not likely. For he has been pushed aside and shunned. Or maybe he's frightened of the new me. The cold, machine-like shell, that's taken his place in life and overruled his existence, like a bad virus that's unable to be deleted.

**\I must find the one that used to be.**

**Approach him slow,**

**don't be afraid to say,**

**"Can he come out and play?"/**

Relena tried to make light of the subject on my childhood, telling me I should make it a mission to retrieve and rescue my former self. I chuckled at the playfulness, but now the thought doesn't sound as desperate as it once did. Maybe if I win, you'll find something in me.

But as I jumped down from my perch on the old rock, I shake my head at the turn of events my mind has taken.

**\Where'd I do wrong?/**

But I'm willing to try.

TBC…

Thanks all for reading. Please someone leave a review!!! I have no idea if you all even like this and if I should even continue to post it or finish up the chapters!!!


	4. Seemingly Lost

**A/N** This whole story is a repost b/c I got behind in updating. Now I've got new chapters and decided to repost. Please enjoy.

**Warnings** 1+2 Shounen ai. Slight 1+3

**Declaimer** I am money-less, so you can't sue me, besides, I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters.

**Thanks to**Everyone!

**Side Notes** **/Lyrics/,** (#) Explanation at bottom, ---blahblahblah--- Flashback

Seemingly Lost Wish You Were Here, continued…

By: Lemony Sickness

Lyrics by: Incubus – Nowhere Fast

You know what is funny? I'm lost and confused, but I'm not quite sure that I mind.

**/Will I ever get to where I'm going?**

**Will I ever follow through with what I had planned./**

I've been lodging at the Preventor Headquarters' for a week, and no mission has been assigned, nor disturbance needed to de dealt with. There are only the problems that I am causing for myself. Few events had taken place upon my arrival, but the events that have occurred were significant.

Of course, upon arriving in the secluded area I was greeted by Sally Poe. She had me logged into security and told me that I was to be lodging here and I was to have a roommate.

_---I followed Sally down one of the many halls on the ground floor, surveying everything we passed. It always comforted me to know my surroundings; made me gain some control over the events taking place in my life. We stopped in front of a plain white door at the end of the hall with a gold plate, 'Rm. 10' carved elegantly into it. I also noticed that not only this door, but all the doors in this hall had peep halls._

_She opened the door and I took in my new sleeping arrangements. There were two beds directly inside the door on either side with old cedar trunks at the end. There was only one desk, which was positioned center of the back wall; no windows. There was only one other door, and as I glanced that way I noticed that that said door was opening to reveal white and blue checkered linoleum floor tiles, and a set of black combat boots…_

_"Yuy."_

_"Wufei."--- _

As startled as I was at seeing my Chinese comrade, I somehow felt randomly content with the pairing. I admired Wufei, he was a strong soldier, and tended to stay out of my way and didn't mind long silences; they couldn't have chosen me a more suitable partner.

"You're losing your touch."

I tense, realizing I heard the approach of no one. Wufei looked down at me, and I squinted back up at him. Glaring wasn't an option when the person you were trying to do so at is standing directly in the sun.

"Either that, or you are eating less."

The Asian smiled slightly before sitting down beside me on the bench, "I do believe that you just insinuated that I use to be fat?"

"Hn," was my only reply and I smirked lightly; Wufei arched his brow elegantly, then brushed me off.

I never really knew Wufei all that well, but as more time passed between us, I found I rather liked his presence and demeanor; he put me at ease. Studying Wufei, I found him to be wearing his usual: black combat boots, with black baggy pants, and a white t-shirt. His body was muscular, just a little thicker than mine, but when we stood up, I was a head taller than him. When my gaze rested on his face I found his onyx orbs gazing at me in confusion.

Standing up, I smirk and as I walk away I call over my shoulder, "Don't worry, you're definitely not fat." I never noticed the pinkish tinge that appeared on Wufei's pale cheeks.

I enter our room and walk to the small adjoining bathroom. Splashing water onto my face, I watch in the mirror as crystalline droplets race each other to the edge of my chin, and drip off the edge of my nose. While memorizing my room mate's body, I found myself comparing him to Duo, why?

'Duo,' I hadn't really thought about him as much as I use to. One of my plans when accepting to join the Preventors was to use their resources to get in contact with the braided boy. And when I think about it, I've no reason as to why I haven't been trying.

**/I guess it's possible that I have been a bit distracted**

**And the directions for me are a lot less in demand./**

Me, Heero Yuy, distracted? With the way things have changed… With the way I have changed, that is a possibility. I don't know anymore. My stay at the Preventors hasn't really been all that busy, but thoughts of finding and confessing my infatuation to him have seemed less important.

Quickly I walk to my trunk and prop it open on the end board of my bed. Like everything else in the room, the contents of my trunk were organized. In a little slit, that I cut of my own accord, in the cloth lining the inside of my trunk was the picture of Duo with his arm thrown casually around my neck. Just seeing the picture set my resolve a little higher; I needed to see him in person. It wasn't less important to find him; that is just my excuse. When actually… It seems to be that I am just afraid.

**/Will I ever get to where I'm going?**

**If I do, will I know when I am there?/**

I can't help but have high hopes; my imagination has run wild with possible scenarios of our reunion. Would or could Duo even return my feelings? Does he even look my way, or is he "girls only". From what I have read, homosexuality is common, but looked down upon. So I am not completely in the wrong.

I know that I can't say that I am in _love_ with Duo, because I've no clue as to what the feeling of love is or feels like. Is it something worth experiencing? How will I know?

**/If the wind blew me in the right direction**

**Would I even care?/**

The bedroom door opened, startling me. I need to stop thinking; it's going to get me killed. Quickly I stuff the picture back into its designated slot and close my trunk.

"I'm not interrupting something?"

"No, Wufei, just remembering."

I gaze at my new companion and close friend and still see his confusion. Have I changed that much? As if reading my mind,

"You've changed Heero," Wufei spoke softly.

"Is that a bad thing?" I state standing and peering into his eyes.

"…No."

Wufei averted his gaze, and silence reigned.

"But, you know what? You've changed too. …We all have."

Later, while lying in bed, I wonder just how much you've changed, and would you like the new me? Do I even want to find out the answer to this question?

**/I would./**

I would

**/I take a look around; it's evident the scene has changed.**

**And there are times when I feel improved upon the past./**

When I compare the past to the present, I realize the significant difference. Ever since I was little I was trained to be a soldier. Duo was an orphan, Wufei was apart of a family and clan, Trowa might not remember but he has Catherine's memories to lean on, and Quatre was born into a family and the heir to a fortune. Me? I was born into slavery. My first life lesson was: kill, or be killed. Before I was even in my teens I had handle a series of guns and already smelled the stench of death and decay. And they wondered why I was in such good control of my emotions and continued to try and keep them in check. The answer, is because life is not fair, and I simply got the short end of the stick.

But, when it comes down to it, I've become stronger through it all. And wasn't that the achievement that Doctor J was going for? And if Hell exists, may he rot in it.

**/Then there are times when I can't seem to understand at all**

**And yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere…**

**Really fucking fast./**

I am quite smart, but I don't have the answers to everything. As I lay here listening to Wufei's steady breathing and think of why I am here, I realize I am lost and have no idea of what course of action I should take.

'If he feels anything towards me, maybe he will come to me… If there was a God.'

**Owari**

Thanks for continuing to read! I am trying to update as fast as I can. I have actually had all the chapters up till this one written out and finished. Now I've got to start writing the rest. Don't worry though, I've got my plot and I know where I am heading, so it shouldn't take to long.


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